as you know I’m a big Jezebel reader if not only for their humor, but also for their insight – their female insight – on everything from politics to news to celebrity gossip. they are my go-to blog for personality. with that said, this article had me LOL-ing for real. hopefully, on this humid Monday, it will do the same for you, especially if you’re a child of the 80s like myself.
Your Next Summer Blockbuster Might Be Strawberry-Scented
The news that 80’s video game Asteroids will soon be made into a major motion picture got me thinking: why aren’t there any action films based on 80s toys primarily aimed at girls? A few suggestions, after the jump.
- Strawberry Shortcake: The Fall Of Orange Blossom
- Plot: Orange Blossom, once a dear friend of Strawberry Shortcake, moves in with the Peculiar Purple Pie Man of Porcupine Peak and changes her name to Citrus Frost. All hell breaks loose when she tries to freeze her former fruit-friends into oblivion. Will Strawberry Shortcake save the day?
- Tag Line: “Orange You Glad This Shortcake Can Kick Some Ass?”
- Care Bears And The Stare Of Doom
- Plot: A stomach virus infects Care-A-Lot, causing the Care Bears to fall into a trance, and their patented Care Bear Stare into a weapon that Captain Coldheart aims to use to ruin everything. Only one Care Bear, Funshine Bear, avoids the plague. But does he care enough to stop the end of the world?
- Tag Line: “Get Ready To Care….Or Be Taken Care Of.”
- She-Ra, Princess Of Power
- Plot: No, seriously, make this movie. There already is a plot. Just don’t cast Megan Fox. That is all.
- Tag Line: “For the Honor Of Grayskull!”
- Rainbow Brite: Colors That Kill
- Plot: Murky Dismal has designed a device that will rid the world of color…and humanity. It’s up to Rainbow Brite and her crew to stop the plan through many violent action sequences involving multi-colored lasers and catchphrases like, “He just blue you away!” And “you’ll be seeing red after this!”
- Tag Line: “These Colors Don’t Run…Motherfucker.”
- Get Along Gang: The Final Battle
- Plot: Shit gets real when the Get Along Gang finds itself in the middle of an all-out gang war in a post-apocalyptic world. Can they get along…and survive?
- Tagline “The Gang’s All Here…To Kick Some Ass.”
- Jem And The Holograms: Showtime, Synergy
- Plot When Synergy is corrupted by a hacker hired by the Misfits, Jerrica Benson and her alter-ego, Jem, go on a crime spree that shocks the nation. Can the Holograms rewire their lead singer before its too late?
- Tag Line: “She’s Truly Outrageous…And We’re All Paying The Price.”
- Lady Lovely Locks: Locks And Loaded
- Plot: When the Russian government decides to take over the world using tiny microchips implanted in hair follicles, it’s up to Lady Lovely Locks and the Pixietails to save the day, and the hairstyles of all.
- Tagline: “You’re About To Get Locked.”